Tell Us a JOKE, page 2

The  Cowboy!





A  successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.



She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in

the newspaper for a ranch hand.



Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.



She thought long and hard  about it, and when no one else applied she

decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him

around the house than the drunk.



He proved to be a hard worker  who put in long hours every day and knew

a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch

was doing very well.



Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have

done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into

town and kick up your  heels.'



The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.



One o'clock came, however, and  he didn't return. Two o'clock and

no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering

the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a

glass of wine, waiting for him.



She quietly called him over to her.



'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said.  Trembling, he did

as she directed.



'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly..



'Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them

neatly by her boots.



'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching

her eyes in the fire light.



'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was

told and dropped it to the floor.





Then she looked at him and said  ...





'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

here is one i think its funny    

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

        Mel, Mohammed both of you has just posted 2 awesome okes :horay:


       

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes
he hides underneath the bed

The second kid replies Yeah Well, that's nothing. My dad is so
scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with
the lady next door      

this is funnier than the one before

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death     or we have sex    

After considering briefly      Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge  

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it . Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

THE BEST

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.

Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only costs you $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.

The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:

1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.

He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using cocaine.
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop masturbating, your elbow will never get better

 

mohamedbasha loved the way you put the smilies in one of your jokes !



It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it.'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
We can't drive.'
Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting.

this joke is for someone who hates there mother in law

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"

If you don't agree on sexual    content don't continue reading

Little Johnny greeted his mother at the door after she had been out of town all week.

Johnny said, "Mommy, guess what?    Yesterday, I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady from next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and then Daddy got on top of her and
--"

The mother held up her hand and said, "Not another word!      Wait until your father gets home, and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home, and the wife told him that she was leaving him.

"But why?     " croaked the husband.

"Go ahead, Johnny. Tell Daddy just what you told me."

"Well," said little Johnny, "I was playing in your closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and they got into bed and Daddy got on top of her and they did just what you did, Mommy, with Uncle Bob when Daddy was away last summer   !"



doesn't have that much sex content wrote that for fun......

hahaha nice one  

The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.

Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a  ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the  other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!  If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -
canine/feline attendance is not required.

The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on  the front door:

TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:

(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on  your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters  who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.

Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,  
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't  hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't  want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,  
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children

ps. i have 3 cats.. =)

       

thats really funny

Hopefully when i buy a dog soon

i will post that around the house so when visitors come they cant complain

nice one slash

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.



man, my girlfriend left me for some faggot named robert
you don't live in Hope mills do you?
ya, why man?
lol, just wondering, was her namne alisson?
you mother fucker


hey baby, whats up?
umm....nothing?
So....want me to like come over today so we can fuck?
Wait....did you want to speak to my daughter?
Yes  Mrs.Miller..

   

  slash and laptopz  


Why parents should always check their children's homework before they hand it in:


A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.



After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:


Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child's illustration.  It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint.  I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm.  This photo is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harding