Tell Us a JOKE, page 5

A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting every docker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without pausing, and satisfy them all.
Bets are made, and they agree that they'll meet the next day. The next day, 100 women are lined up along the dock . The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without pausing: 1.. 2.. 3.. on and on he goes: 49.. 50.. 51.. He slows down somewhat: 83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............
...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, "I don't understand it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!"

Did you hear about the Australian Capt.. and his British FO who arrived at the pearly gates ? St Peter processed them in and told them to go to the next room along and pick up their clocks. "Clocks ?" asked the FO - "Yes, you get a nice carriage clock as a souvenir of your time on Earth" replied St Peter. So they go into the clock room, and the FO picks up the clock with his name on it, which has stopped at the time he died. He notices that other clocks are still going, and the hands on some occasionally jump 15 minutes at a time. He asks St Peter why, and is told a little known fact, that when someone masturbates, it actually takes 15 minutes off their life so the hands of the clock move round accordingly. The Capt. is having a hard time locating his clock when St. Peter slaps his head and says "I'm sorry, I should have told you we keep Australian's clocks in a different room - we find they make excellent ceiling fans.."


made me laugh, i copy and paste my jokes, i never make my own if anyone asks...

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers,

'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's boobs are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

'A Christmas tree?'
'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

LOOOOOOOOOL    


Little Johnny walked into class every morning with a black eye.. After a
while his teacher got worried and asked him about it.Johnny's answer was:
Our house is very small miss. Me, my mother and my father, we sleep on the
same bed. Every night my father asks, 'Johnny are you sleeping?' Then I
say No' and then he slaps my face and gives me a black eye."

So the teacher says to him, "Tonight when your father asks again, keep
dead quiet and don't answer". The following morning Little Johnny comes to
school and his eye is fine, so the teacher breathes a sigh of relief, but the day
after that Johnny comes back with a severe black eye again. "My goodness
Johnny, why the black eye again?" He tells her: "Miss, Dad asked me again,
Johnny are you sleeping?... And I shut up and kept dead still. Then my
father and my mother started moving you know at the same time Mom was
breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically and squealing like a
demented hyena on the bed"... Then my father asks my mother: 'Are you
coming?' Then my mom says, 'Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?' and my
dad answered 'Yes'.

They don't usually go anywhere without me so I said 'Wait for me.....


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After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.


*i dont drink beer, but this might make you guys laugh.... i get the humor behined *

kids...
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

Just after getting into bed the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

After a little while the little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything let alone from a little boy says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy - 'I have a football.'

Man - 'That's nice.'

Boy - 'Want to buy it?'

Man - 'No, thanks.'

Boy - 'My dad's outside.'

Man - 'OK, how much?'

Boy - '£250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - 'Dark in here.'

Boy - 'I have football boots.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'Ok how much this time?'

Boy - '£350'

Man - 'Sold.'

A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'

The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy - 'To a friend of mine for a £600.'

The father says, 'That's a terrible thing overcharging your friend like that, and that's four times what they cost when they were new, I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sin.'

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here'.

The priest says, 'Don't start that sh* t again you little pr*ck, you're in my f...... cupboard now'!!!

Whale Joke A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.  The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.  He said to the female whale, 'Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time; and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink;  They tried it, and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.  Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.  The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, 'Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.'  At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.  'Look,' she said, 'I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.'

There's a big difference between men and women when dey say ---

" I Finished a whole box of Tissue watching that Film last night "

Hilarious one, anyone who has a min should read it ... i realize its a long read. Who knows might bring a smile on your face


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A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust. He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the
woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table. They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says, "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A DOG WITH NO LEGS???



ANSWER -    IT DON'T MATTER HE WON'T COME!

munkyn's face

that a hillarious joke

Yep sure is, but never as ugly as yours!!!